- Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Kurt Metzger!
- Wow. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Whoo.
All right. All right, all right.
Now you're just putting pressure on me.
All right, I hope this goes good.
Sometimes it goes very wrong, you know?
Like six months ago... I'll never forget this.
I get onstage. I go, "What's up, dude?"
To, like, a guy, like, where you're sitting,
and then he looked upset... Like, upset at me.
And everybody got weird.
And then I looked at him better,
and it was a lesbian.
It was a woman, okay?
Honest mistake.
But it was... it looks like I'm just mean to lesbians,
like that's the guy I am.
Come out, calling you a dude face.
I don't act that way.
So I start trying to apologize.
I go, "Ma'am, I am so sorry.
"I have a light in my eyes, all right?
"I'm not making a lesbian joke.
"I support you
"and your lifestyle.
I see you're a woman. Please, forgive me."
And then in, like, the saddest voice,
she goes, "But I am a man."
Because it was a man.
Thought it was a lesbian.
No.
It was a very devastated man.
Never hurt someone that bad in my entire life,
trying my hardest.
Guy had a vest on.
What are you gonna do, right?
Coming in wearing a vest.
I'm not gonna think you're a lesbian?
That's how it works in your world?
And one time I go on,
just 'cause I was in Brooklyn, you know,
in, like, a hip room with these young...
I don't... I don't gel with them.
And so there's a guy sitting in front
with a sea captain hat on,
like, a little sea captain hat,
like a little... And a little captain jacket.
And I make one joke about his hat...
And by the way, not...
He wasn't wearing this for honest gay reasons,
you know, like, really, like, acceptable...
Perfectly acceptable.
You're gay.
"You're gay? Fantastic hat, sir.
Let's... you know what? I respect your hat."
No, he was on a date.
He was trying to get pussy with that hat, dude.
That was a pussy-gettin' captain hat.
So I make one joke about his hat.
And then he goes like this, "Really?"
Like... like I'm out of line.
If you saw... This guy looked like
he flew on a hot air balloon
to, like, teach kids about reading at the show.
I don't even know what he was doing there.
But I'm crazy to say something.
And by the way... I don't know.
I'm not better than anybody, okay?
I don't care how you dress.
Like, I understand you have to dress
a certain kind of way to get a certain kind of tail.
That is what you have to do, right?
If you're trying to get... This is hipster town...
Trying to land yourself a girl
that dresses like the world's youngest grandma.
You can't just not wear a sea captain hat
when you do that.
Got to have a captain hat.
Just doing that...
But just wink at me.
I'm not also a dippy girl with purple hair...
Like, you understand?
I'm not enchanted by your whimsy,
'cause I also have a penis.
So just, like, acknowledge...
Like, "I know, dude. I'm just...
"I'm trying to trick this...
"I'm trying to trick this woman
into sitting on my penis, so I had to"...
You know, just when you have to wear a knit cap indoors
with a little hair coming out of the top,
and you look like you cobble dildos for a living,
just go, "Hey, I know.
"I'm trying to spend too much time
banging a girl with Bunsen Honeydew glasses."
Yeah, but that's like when people have a type.
You know, I don't...
Do you have a type that you go for?
No? Me neither, man.
I don't have those kind of privileges.
To have my type.
I just got to cast my net and catch what I catch.
Sometimes it's fresh young tuna.
Sometimes it's an old boot.
I'm just grateful to the ocean
for providing me another day.
"And old, bald tire, Ocean?
"Thank you.
I'm gonna use every part of this tire."
So anyway, the point is,
this is gonna be a huge disappointment,
so, like, just so you understand
the level of how disappointing this is gonna be...
This next hour.
It's gonna feel like
the first time you saw the real Wendy
on that Wendy's commercial,
when, like...
Like,
Wendy revealed herself.
"It's me, Wendy!"
Wow.
Wow, Wendy.
With the pigtails, Wendy,
from the tablecloth at Wendy's?
"Yeah, that Wendy."
She was on for one week, real Wendy, and then they...
Some PR person at Wendy's was like,
"We got to fix this situation. Now."
And they got a younger, hotter Wendy
and three new salads,
like, right after that.
Is that so mean?
That's very mean.
You know, everybody gets old and fat... everybody.
It's just... it was just, like, such an abrupt...
Like, you weren't there for the transition.
It was like, little Wendy... And like, "I'm here."
And you're like, "What?" You know?
But unlike that, there's not gonna be,
like, a funnier, hotter Kurt coming.
Like, it's just this.
It's just this the whole time.
Let's just figure out some ground rules
with this crowd so just I know what's okay.
What do you guys think the worst curse word is to say?
- Cunt. - Yeah.
You answered that very quickly,
and that was the right answer.
The C word!
It's a terrible word.
That's the one my mom told me to never say.
I wasn't even saying it.
She just kicked open the door to my room...
"Don't say 'cunt'! Please!"
Very important to her.
But it is the worst word. Right?
You guys look like a nice... Are you a couple?
If I call her that, you're gonna
have to fight me right now... You.
You're gonna have to climb on this stage,
guy who kind of looks like Bruno Mars,
and fistfight me.
That's gonna happen.
Call people "cunt"?
But if I call you a dick,
she don't have to do nothing.
She can just laugh at you
and also call you a dick, you know?
On TV, they're gonna bleep all the "cunts" I just said,
but "dick"... that's gonna come right over the air,
me calling you a dick.
And what are you even gonna do about it?
Nothing, 'cause you're a dick.
That's what.
Is that fair to you?
It's not.
That is not fair. Right?
'Cause that's the same insult as cunt.
That's not a different insult.
"You are genitals."
That's the same message of insult.
But "cunt" is so much worse for some reason.
Why is that?
I'll tell you why.
It's because "dick" is also a nickname,
and that is why.
It just comes down to that.
It could be Richard, so there you go.
Nobody's like, "I'm Catherine,
but call me Cunt!"
Nobody says that.
"Really?
Can I call you Cathy?"
"Cathy? That's my mom's name!
I'm Cunt!"
That Cunt's a real character, guys.
She really...
All right, that's too much of that word.
Um...sorry.
Do you watch "Toddlers and Tiaras"?
Does anybody watch that? Yeah?
It's about the child pageants,
which is a very American thing,
child beauty pageants.
Is anybody not from America at all in here?
One of you? Are you all American?
'Cause I was just...
I had to explain it in Canada to people,
'cause they don't...
Like, they don't know what it is.
They don't do that.
So you have to explain to foreigners.
"Hey, look. Here's what it is.
"In America,
"we have beautiful children,
"so that's... there you go.
"We have to have a contest 'cause we have hot kids.
"I don't... what do you want me to tell you?
"Sorry if you're not going through the same thing.
"Hey, sorry to hear about
"your unfuckable children, Canada.
We got to live our lives."
It is weird, though.
And so this one mom got in trouble
because she put big fake tits
on her five-year-old daughter for the talent...
Well, it was for the talent part of the show.
And she had to have a talent.
"Quick, we need a talent."
Big fake tits and a big fake ass,
and she comes out and does a booty dance
for the... and she got in legal trouble.
She might lose custody of her daughter for that now,
which is so unfair, because that woman is a genius.
That's really...
That's the most amazing thing I've ever heard of.
Tits on a five-year-old at a pageant?
You never thought of anything that good
in your whole life, dude.
You've never once had an idea that good, ever.
What's the big fear about these pageants?
It's pedophiles. Pedophiles, right?
So what better way to hide your child
from a pedophile
than to disguise her
as a voluptuous lady?
That is...
They don't want to see that.
Big-ass titties?
Pedophiles hate that.
It's, like, ruining the whole point
of being a pedophile.
I'll bet every pedophile left that pageant in disgust.
"Shame on you, ma'am!
"That is a child!
A beautiful, beautiful child!"
That's gross.
But that's what a pedophile says, you know?
That's not me saying that.
That's what a pedophile says.
I don't say things like that.
I'm like, "Hey, let's get some tits on this kid
"and get her out there.
See what she can do."
I'm, like, the opposite of a pedophile.
I like kids with fat tits.
I'm not gonna apologize for not being a pedophile.
Do you ever watch the adult pageants?
Adult beauty pageants?
But just when they have to answer questions
and they sound dumb?
Yeah, that's mean. That's mean.
You're mean to do that.
Remember that Miss Utah
who was on YouTube just recently
'cause she answered... They asked her a question,
and she said, "Women need to do more better,"
something like that.
And everybody was making fun of her.
And women do need to do more better.
She's not wrong.
You don't need to do more better?
But why would you ask those questions
at a beauty pageant?
Why are there smarty-pants questions
at a pretty contest?
That's... I think that's the question.
That's not fair.
"I have to... what's the point of having fake tits
"if I have to know things on top of that?
"You tell me what's... What that money's for.
You can't just be a specialist?
That's not allowed?"
That's not fair.
That's like if you took
Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg;
that is the second woman in history
ever nominated to the Supreme Court.
That's a very high achievement,
and she's a role model for girls, okay?
And if at the hearing, they go,
"Okay, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, great legal answers.
"Great job.
"But now we're coming to the swimsuit portion
"of the confirmation,
"so you're gonna have to put this two-piece on,
"and let's see how well-rounded you are.
Yeah, you know about the law. Whoop-dee-doo."
She comes out all nervous, covering...
And just point.
"Yeah, that's your beach body,
"Ruth Bader Ginsberg?
"Think you're gonna be a Justice with those tits?
"Is that what you thought?
You're... You're a role model."
Do you watch...
By the way,
most of this will be about things I watched.
Do you watch "Beyond Scared Straight"?
It's about the Scared Straight Program.
You know what that is?
Scared Straight. It's a program.
Let's say you have a really bad kid...
Like, really bad.
You know, like, they smoke weed and everything.
What are you gonna do with this kid?
You take 'em to prison for the night.
And then they have the prisoners threaten them with rape
until they're good...
Till they're good children.
That's the whole program.
Yeah, that's perfectly fine to do that.
"You like smoking weed?
You're gonna smoke this dick!"
They're screaming at the child.
Right?
And there's, like, a guard going,
"You should listen to him, De'Shawnthony.
"We don't do our job at this prison.
"You are gonna get raped.
I make $12 an hour. I'm not stopping rapes."
And the kid don't even care.
He's just laughing. He don't care.
I'm at home; I'm putting out a joint
and starting my homework in terror.
I think I'm gonna have to smoke dick.
Yeah.
'Cause you can't scare...
You can't scare anyone straight.
That's the whole... if you're...
That's what sociopaths... They can't...
They don't feel fear like normal people.
What do you worry...
If you go to prison, what do you worry about,
of the things you've heard about prison?
Yeah, that's right, getting raped in prison.
Yeah? Right?
You know, I mean,
you're not even saying the thing.
You're like, "The showers... Dropping the soap."
You don't even speak the name of the crime;
it's so scary.
Right?
And because you're normal.
That's what a normal person worries about
if they're going to prison.
Like, a good person is worried about that.
But guess what?
There is a bunch of people in prison
doing these rapes.
So that means there's, like,
a whole other segment of the population that,
if you bring up prison to them,
they're, like, all happy.
They're like, "Man,
"you know the best part about prison?
"You can just rape any dude you want!
"They don't stop you.
By the way, I just got $500 taken out of my bank account.
I was in San Diego, and I got a jaywalking ticket.
Well, it was $200, the ticket.
But when I got it, I was like,
"Fuck your city and your laws.
"And you... this cop... You got a better shot
of seeing Jesus blow Buddha than me pay you $200."
"What do you think of that?"
And, yeah, so they just take that
out of your bank account.
You have to pay that.
You absolutely have to pay that ticket.
Don't think you're not paying it,
'cause in San Diego, it's a whole new world.
But I got pulled over walking.
I was drunk walking,
which is what I thought you were supposed to do,
by the way.
Minding my business.
Yeah.
Has that ever happened to you in New York?
You got pulled over on foot
and issued a jaywalking ticket?
No, because cops have shit to do here.
It's a little different than San Diego.
They have to stop and frisk every black man
who's ever lived here twice,
so they don't have time
for my white jaywalkings in this town.
There's a lot of black people here.
But this oinker looked me right in my face, this pig,
and wrote me a $200 jaywalking ticket.
Like that's okay?
I shouldn't... and also, I know I shouldn't call him...
Shouldn't call him a pig.
Because the guy's just doing his job, right?
That's how you're supposed to take that.
He's doing his job,
like an Auschwitz guard, basically.
Like a Nazi concentration camp guard!
All right, that's too much. Sorry.
That is... no, not like that.
That's really a bad...
That's way out of line, okay?
My ticket and the Holocaust are not...
They're not in the same...
It's just a lot of money.
It's a lot of money, dude.
But I know it's not a fair comparison,
because, let's face it,
not even Hitler would charge a guy 200 fucking dollars
for fucking jaywalking, right?
Even a sack of shit like Adolf Hitler
would have the Christianity...
The basic Christianity
to not charge $200 for jaywalking.
I saw every Hitler show on the History Channel,
and he committed every evil crime you can commit,
except overcharge for jaywalking.
So congratulations to the city of San Diego
on finishing the work of Hitler.
That's more than fair.
That is more than fair.
Yeah.
No one has suffered more than me.
God.
I hope that lesbian guy's okay, you know?
Honestly.
You think that guy's okay?
He probably killed himself, right?
Like, I hope not, man.
What hurts worse than that?
If I just think you're a man, then a woman,
then a man that... really quick.
I bullied someone to death.
That's what I think happened.
Got to be so careful because people just...
You know, these kids just kill themselves now.
That's what they do.
They just kill themselves
'cause their, you know, computers are too mean.
It's just a different world of much meaner computers
than they used to be.
I don't know.
I didn't have that when I was a kid.
I had a computer, but we didn't have, like...
Not like that, like...
I had to walk, like, three miles to school every day
just to be called a fag.
Do you know that?
I had...
I didn't have a magic box in my room
that answers all the questions of the universe
and calls you a fag.
We didn't have that.
I had to get some fresh air and exercise,
stretch my legs.
Didn't have all that stuff.
You ever get cyberbullied as an adult?
It just happened to me on Facebook.
I was cyberbullied.
A guy went on my wall
and called me a lazy writer.
That's... that's bullying.
That's what that was.
Tried to bully me.
Couldn't remember that guy's name,
but fuck that guy.
That's the main part.
Could have killed myself, sir.
By the way, you do notice
it's, like, all white nerd suicides.
You notice that? They're all white.
Like, you don't really see...
I mean, maybe black nerds kill themselves,
but I don't really see that.
You just don't see it.
Why do you suppose that is, that they're all white?
'Cause black nerds
don't get those kind of opportunities.
That's why.
Get depressed from their home fag-bashing computer?
They don't have... Black nerds get shot
by gangs and neighborhood watch.
It's the truth.
I agree.
It's terrible.
It's unfortunate.
You watch the news, right?
You watch the local news?
"Tragedy!
In the part that you don't go to!"
And a kid with a graduation hat
who was shot.
That guy? What...
Every time a gang shoots at another gang,
they miss and hit a promising black nerd.
Right? It happens every time.
If you're black and you have a scholarship,
my advice is, buy a vest
and lay low for a little bit.
Let the scholarship blow over, because...
They got Urkel-seeking bullets
that are gonna find you reading a...
Yeah.
Black nerds. Gangsters.
It's how I consider them. Right?
You ever see Neil deGrasse Tyson?
The astronomer?
The black king of planets, Neil deGrasse Tyson?
You know who that is. The guy's great.
He's amazing.
That guy is a gangster, dude.
There is no telling
how many people he had to stab
just to live long enough
to tell you about his love of planets and shit.
There is no telling what that man had to do.
Just lost my iPad, by the way.
I'm going through some things on my... myself.
I lost my iPad.
Actually, I lost it when Steve Jobs died
two years ago, but I haven't gotten over it.
I'll be honest with you.
The day he died, iPad was gone.
I didn't know... I had no idea what was going on.
At first I thought it was, like, an iPad rapture,
and, like,
he was just taking all the iPads
to turtleneck heaven.
He was gone; my iPad's gone.
That's all I knew.
I started screaming like a little girl.
It turned out, by the way, I was just drunk,
and I left in a cab.
That was the actual...
It wasn't an iPad rapture.
I was just drunk.
But I screamed and screamed like a baby
'cause I lost an iPad.
What do you even compare that to,
that kind of emotion over an object?
This is the best thing I can liken it to.
It was like I was from Afghanistan,
and I heard that a Koran, a holy Koran,
got burned by mistake.
Like, that... like, that upset.
Like, I get it now.
And by the way, don't burn a Koran.
Just don't burn anything.
You're just a moron
if you just burn things in protest.
But you burn a Koran, someone's gonna get killed.
So don't do that, okay?
It's a bit much if someone has to die for that,
though, a little bit, right?
Like, I lost an iPad. I lost...
There's a thing called perspective, okay?
I lost a very expensive iPad.
How hard is it to get a new Koran?
And I'm not saying that it's good or bad
or anything like that.
Okay, I don't want to be killed
with a curvy sword after this.
I'm saying...
I'm just saying,
if you need a new Koran,
what are the difficulties in making that happen?
It's not like every year, a new Koran comes out,
and it's $600, right?
That's not your situation, is it?
And you get one, and you find out
there's a much better Koran coming out tomorrow
with, like, double the virgins and a better camera,
and the dude doesn't say nothing at the Koran store,
conveniently.
My iPad had a Koran on it.
That's how amazing an iPad is.
I... it was also a Koran.
I lost a Koran and "Angry Birds" in one shot.
You understand what I lost?
I had my whole day planned out.
People are unfair to Muslims also, though,
aren't they a little bit?
This is a really good example.
The Ground Zero mosque.
Do you remember that?
Everybody was so mad
because they were gonna build a mosque
just kind of near Ground Zero.
And then everybody acted
like they were building it on the hole...
On the 9/11 hole.
Remember how angry...
"They're building a mosque on the Twin Towers!
With the bones of firemen as bricks!"
"The new Freedom Tower's gonna be a mosque!"
All right, yeah, that's what I heard,
and I went like, "Wow. Seriously?"
"That project really got away from us, didn't it?
"Holy smokes.
How did we mess that up that bad?"
But I didn't get upset. That's fine with me.
Build a mosque on the 9/11 hole.
I don't give a shit.
If it was up to me, I would build a mosque
on every important building that we have,
just for protection, basically.
It's not hard to think your way out of a problem
and not be a bigot for five seconds.
It's a great idea.
And we should call all of our planes "mosques"
from now on.
That's part two of my plan.
A beautiful, safe sky mosque.
Now, that would be a real crime,
to blow up a sky mosque.
Yeah.
That'll... I'd fix that whole situation, right?
'Cause you already have to take your shoes off,
so you're right there.
You're almost to mosque right now.
Just putting 'em back on
is the whole pain in the ass of that...
Do you guys have jobs, by the way?
What do you do?
I don't know. I don't have a job.
This is all I do.
Not that it's so great,
but it's just too late now to not do this, so...
I used to live in Bushwick, Brooklyn,
with no job.
Had a mattress on the floor
and two towels...
One to jerk off in and one to use as a towel.
Yeah, it's a simple life.
And sometimes I'd come out of the shower,
realize too late I made the wrong choice of towels.
Buy different colored towels, everyone.
That's what we learn from that.
But I watch people with jobs on TV sometimes.
Do you watch all those kind of reality job shows?
Like "Slippery Driving" and...
And, "Scary Fishing"?
Yeah, well, that's why those shows are there,
'cause there's not enough jobs,
so that's, like, your fantasy now, is,
you have to watch other people have a job
like it's pornography.
"Man, he's just working the hell out of that job.
That's really... He's hitting that job hard."
Do you know what Walmart's doing
for veterans who don't have jobs?
If you're a veteran
coming back from Iraq or Afghanistan right now
and you don't have job,
you can go to any Walmart
and automatically get a job at Walmart,
which is nice of Walmart.
But, you know, like...
In those commercials for the Army,
they kind of make it sound like when you get out,
you don't have to work at Walmart.
They do.
They do lead you to believe a little bit.
"I'm going to college and have the"...
You'll have the tech and leadership skills
of today's market, to not work at Walmart.
Not that it's so bad to work at Walmart.
I don't have to down you if you work at Walmart.
I'm just saying that's an extremely long way
to go to get to a job at Walmart.
You really took the longest route possible
to that Walmart job, man.
Another way to automatically get hired at Walmart...
Apply to any Walmart.
You also have that option.
You don't have to have
"Zero Dark Thirty" and basic training
to get to a job folding $7 sweatpants
in the husky teen section.
Navy SEAL, a trained killer,
killer hands folding...
Sitting there like...
"You tracked and killed Bin Laden?
"Cool. Listen.
"Right now, I need you to track down
"this missing case of rainbow pens that...
"we... we've gone dark on these pens.
Get those goggles on and really"...
What do you think happened to the economy?
Here's what I think happened.
I'm not smart, like I said,
but this is what I think.
Did you ever play "Monopoly" with your family
and been in charge of the bank
and not stolen money from the bank?
Did anybody not?
Not 'cause you're even a bad person.
Just... you got a little behind
on Ventnor or whatever, you know.
You're a good person.
Got a little behind,
and then you were gonna put the money back.
The second you passed "Go,"
you were gonna put it back.
Things just got out of hand.
Did anybody not do that in this whole room?
No, not one? Yeah.
So that's how all of you
apparently would treat your whole...
Your family for...
To get some toy money,
that's what you would do to your own family.
So just now imagine
it's a real bank with real money,
and you're playing against strangers
that you don't even give a shit about.
How well do you think you would do in that position,
seeing as how you would
step on your own mother's throat
for an orange $500 bill?
How well do you think you'd do with...
And that is how the economy works.
By the way, can I tell you guys about this book I read
that has changed my life?
It's called "Mountain, Get Out of My Way"
by Montel Williams.
Have you... In this room right now,
have you had a chance to read
"Mountain, Get Out of My Way"?
Do you know the book? It's from 1996.
It's an older book.
Montel is on the cover,
like, looking right at you like you're a mountain,
and he said to get out of his way.
You know, he's waiting,
'cause mountains don't get out of your way,
so you're just...
"Just gonna sit there, mountain?"
"You win this round, mountain."
Yeah.
Well, this is the best part.
It's one cent on amazon.com right now.
"Mountain, Get Out of My Way."
If you missed your chance, go on Amazon.
One cent!
You're not just gonna see, for one cent,
what Montel has to tell you?
For one penny?
He's more than meeting you halfway here, guys.
He can't go lower than that.
You're gonna have to put some effort in now.
Well, guess what.
You can't even get a copy
'cause I bought every remaining copy for $50.
I got 5,000 copies
of "Mountain, Get Out of My Way"
right now.
It's a lot.
They're just, like, in a mountain right now
in front of my roommate's door.
He can't get in his room,
and he's always... Comes in yelling at me.
"How am I supposed to get around this, Kurt?"
Like, "The answer's in your hand, dude.
"Open it up. I can't do your work for you.
Let Montel mon-tell you the answer."
Yeah, that's what I say.
To my roommate, Steve, I said that.
Doesn't that sound so gay?
"My roommate, Steve"?
Just like... that's, like, the gayest sentence I ever said.
Sounds gay. But we're not gay.
But it sounds pretty gay.
I wish I could hold my head up high
and say that's what it is, you know?
But I'm just 36, and I have to have a roommate,
and I live in Washington Heights,
and I have no insurance.
So it's the reality.
I might lie to my mom and say we're gay
to dress it up a little bit.
She's worried about me.
Mom, I will get insurance through Steve's work
when this country changes its attitude
about our love.
Stop...
Yeah.
But it sounds very gay.
"My roommate, Steve."
That sounds like the title of a children's book
to teach kids about gayness, doesn't it?
This new kind of...
"My Roommate, Steve."
Sometimes Uncle Kurt comes over with his roommate, Steve,
and they press lips like mommies and daddies.
I go, "Why, Mommy?"
'Cause Uncle Kurt needs insurance real bad.
That's why.
The end. The end.
Are you guys... how do you feel about gay marriage?
You guys for gay marriage?
Good. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm not for that, but, you know.
Whatever you guys are into.
Whatever you're into, man.
Yeah, I'm not for that.
I know... everybody's like, "What's the big deal?
"Who are they hurting?
"Two people love each other.
How does it hurt us, right?"
Well, I'll tell you how it hurts us.
If you're not from here, from America,
you might not understand this,
but it takes God's protection off our nation.
Do you understand that?
I know... it's probably a big joke to you, but...
Fancy city atheists.
Right?
"Who cares"...
We got a Constitution that he gave us,
and part of it... A big part of it...
Is that you got to use your holes the right way.
I'm sorry to tell you.
So I'm not gonna tell you what you want to hear.
God watches your holes all day,
like, literally, morning...
till night.
That's any... any religion.
That is 3/4 of your religion, is,
you got to use your holes the right way.
'Cause the Creator of the infinite universe
who made star... The universe is huge.
It's gigantic.
And God's, like, even bigger.
He made... he's bigger than that.
And then, like, the... Like, the earth's not even...
It's, like, on the tip.
You know, like, right on the edge of his finger
like that, and then...
Then he just watches your asshole through a...
Like... he has, like, a jeweler loupe.
Like, "What? Let's see.
"Let's see what my creation is up to
"with those buttholes
"that I was nice enough to give them.
"Probably just pooping out of them
"like they're supposed to.
Let me just take a..."
And it flies out of his eye.
His yarmulke falls off his head; he's so upset.
"That's not how I said to do that!
"You just voided the warranty, pal.
"I hope you're happy.
"I'm not fixing that for you.
"That's not normal wear and tear,
"what you just did.
"That's not normal.
"I didn't think I had to write instructions
for your poop hole."
So then we lose protection.
Then we lose protection.
And then what happens is,
let's say we live next door together,
and you're a good Christian guy,
doing what you're supposed to with your wife,
just living, reading your Bible,
slaying pussy like Christ commanded,
not thinking about wieners.
And then I live next door to you.
I'm just getting my asshole whaled on day after day.
You're sitting there in your family home...
A parade of dudes coming in,
just stretching me out, dude,
and, like, you just hear it all the time
'cause the walls are thin.
You just hear a man's head just...
There's a man behind him
just ripping his crinkle in half,
and you're just sitting there trying to ignore
the sodomy.
You're trying to read
Paul's letter to the Corinthians
and ignore it, just doing the right thing.
Right?
So then when the sky Jew sends his fire down,
we both die.
You understand?
I don't want to be collateral damage
in God's homo drone strikes.
And I don't think I'm out of line to say that.
Think about other people.
Think about other people
instead of thinking with your gaping winker.
You know, gay... This is in all seriousness.
I don't know if you know a lot of gay people,
but if you know any gay men, ask them.
They don't really do all this anal
that everyone thinks.
You know that?
Everybody thinks it's like a big ass party
they're having all day.
That's what everybody thinks,
but they don't really do that.
Like, ask somebody.
Half or more, what I've been told,
don't do any anal anything...
Just oral and hand jobs
and middle school girl bullshit, basically.
Shocking and a little bit disappointing,
to be honest with you.
Thought they were a lot cooler than that.
No anal.
If I was gay, I wouldn't put up with that shit
for two seconds, dude.
Be like, "Bro, where's the anal?
"We're gay.
"This is what you call gay?
"I can do this at football camp.
"I came here to break out the skoosh,
"and let's do this.
Get that squatch out."
Yeah.
Here, let me family it up a little bit.
That is... here's how out of line that is.
That's like if you had someone over
for Thanksgiving dinner
and then just served mashed potatoes the whole dinner
and nothing else.
And then you're the guest...
You're just sitting there, a guest at that...
Just having plate after plate of mashed potatoes.
Like, "Okay, is the turkey coming eventually,
"because it's Thanksgiving?
That's what you do on Thanksgiving."
And you're like,
"I'm just comfortable making mashed potatoes.
I'm not ready to make a turkey."
Be like, "All right, well, I want potatoes.
"That's a big part of it,
"but that ain't what this holiday is about,
"ultimately.
It's about moist turkey... Moist, gaping turkey."
Think I got to explain Thanksgiving to you.
Yeah.
And also I think you should consider this, you know.
How many just terrible things happen in the world...
Just, like, genocides and atrocities in the world,
all that stuff...
How much of that do you think is caused
when... by somebody who was gay
and they couldn't just be gay?
And they, like, pushed it down, right,
and it made them crazy,
and they took it out on the world,
and then a terrible thing happened that killed... right?
How many things, do you think?
My guess is all of them.
Like, all of everything that's ever happened.
That's what I guess.
So just let people be... Do what they want, right?
Just... "Isn't world peace worth
a few destroyed buttholes?"
is my only message.
And I know that's a heavy thing to say,
because let's face it,
straight man ass virginity
is the most precious virginity.
The most sacred virginity of all virginity
is a straight man's asshole.
Yeah.
You thought your vagina?
You think your... You think your stupid pussy
is even close to my untouched...
You think that?
What's wrong with you?
My butthole's worth 1,000 teenage Mormon vaginas.
That's how valuable this virginity right here is,
this little piece of property right here.
'Cause you might be saving your vagina for marriage
or something stupid.
Well, guess what.
I'm saving my asshole for no one.
And I'm gonna be in heaven, all glorious.
Just gonna be in heaven, watching over you,
my beautiful...
That happens a lot.
So come out of the closet.
That's what I'm saying.
I came out of the closet.
You know that? For being straight, though.
'Cause I was... I used to be a minister.
I was a Jehovah's Witness, right?
And I was a minister. Did I mention that?
I was a minister.
And... yeah.
That's how I know so much about God.
You did not just hear that discourse
of a guy who's trained in theology?
Like, a guy who gets it?
But when I was six,
I used to knock on doors when I was six years old,
which... that sounds, like, dangerous,
to go to a stranger's house now.
I mean, I was with an adult,
but it's still, like, a...
It just sounds dangerous.
But you don't hear about Jehovah's Witnesses
getting, like, grabbed up by a maniac.
You never hear about it,
because nobody wants to talk to Jehovah's Witnesses.
Even a maniac with a severed human head
will hide behind his couch with the...
"You think they're gone?
"Why would they do this to people
"at 9:00 in the morning?
I got stuff to do, you know?"
Yeah.
So I had to come out of the closet for pussy, dude.
'Cause in the Bible... If anybody was raised Christian,
if you're not married and you have heterosexual sex,
that's as bad as being gay.
It's the same level...
Like, if you're just having normal,
like, missionary, whatever you do... whatever...
Just regular, you know, nothing crazy?
That, you might as well
have shit on her tits in the eyes of God.
That is what it says.
I'm paraphrasing, but that is what it says.
It's... it's disgusting.
So my whole family was gonna stop talking to me,
and I had to admit to my mom...
I had to call on the phone, and I got to tell you...
I don't understand what the problem is.
If you're wrestling with it, like, just man the fuck up.
It's not hard, okay?
It wasn't hard for me.
'Cause let's face it, if you're into it,
pussy is so much better than your family, isn't it?
Like...
Your annoying family,
pain-in-the-ass family.
Put them right there and then think of pussy, right?
Like, it took me two minutes to make that decision.
"Hey, Mom, I'm out!
Fist pump! Jersey!"
Click.
You can't just do that?
I get along with my mom great now, though.
But we got in an argument not too long ago,
'cause she thinks... She thought...
I don't know if she thinks it now.
She thought vaccinations cause autism
because she saw MTV scientist Jenny McCarthy.
Can't ignore that.
When Jenny McCarthy...
Something falls out of her face?
You got to listen to that, right?
And by the way, it turned out Jenny McCarthy's son,
thank God, by the way, was not autistic, okay?
He was just half Canadian, and it looks...
It can fool people.
But... yeah.
My mom was like,
"Well, where did all this autism come from, then?
"You know, there was no autism
when I was in school, right?"
Because they didn't know how to diagnose autism properly,
and that's why.
You used to just call those kids nerds.
You remember that?
There was a lot more nerds
and much less autistic kids,
and then they figured out
that you have to treat those children
instead of just whaling dodgeballs at them
in gym class,
which is the original treatment for childhood autism.
Do you know how lucky you are if you are autistic now
and not 30 years ago?
Some gym teacher...
"This kid is not dodging."
"He's just counting the balls.
"Like... I mean, I'm not a doctor, but I think this is...
I think we got a nerd on our hands."
I'm trying to quit smoking. It's really...
I almost was about to quit because of Terry the smoker.
Do you remember her?
The lady with the hole in her throat on TV?
Yeah, that was a good ad, because it really...
She takes half her face off on the thing, and it...
And they ran that all day long,
and I'd be by my window smoking,
and then she would come on.
I'll never forget what she said.
Do you remember her message?
She goes...
Touche, Terry.
Wow. Great point, Terry.
Thank you for saving my life right now.
God bless Terry.
Yeah.
That's effective.
That's a very effective message.
And then... But now what happened is...
She passed away, sadly,
so now they replaced her with this new guy, okay?
I was really feeling Terry.
This new guy, Nathan... You ever seen Nathan?
Do you know Nathan?
Nathan... here's Nathan's story.
And they use the same music and background.
Nathan is Native American,
and he used to love to do his native dances,
and he had too much secondhand smoke at his job,
and now he can't dance as much as he would like to.
The end.
That's the... yeah.
Really? Okay.
After the lady with the hole in her throat,
you're gonna go with Nathan's fake dancing problems.
Let's not pretend
like that's the hardest dance in the world, Nathan.
You're just stomping in a circle.
It's not the Harlem Shake, buddy.
And also, Nathan's 400 pounds.
Really, Nathan?
It was the secondhand smoke at work,
that's why you don't dance as much?
Is that what you tell the tribe
when they want to dance with you?
Like, "You guys go ahead.
"I'm gonna be by this buffet
"just firsthand face-fucking a plate of biscuits.
"While you keep our traditions alive,
"I'll be here, mashing food in my face.
Smoke."
And whose job has
that much secondhand smoke in modern times,
enough to make you not dance?
Wow, you don't think...
All right, do you think it was this...
And I hope it's not this, and if it is this,
I'm gonna apologize to Nathan and everyone here right now.
God forbid.
You don't think his job was, like,
he had to stand really still in a cigar store?
We don't do that to them, do we?
No, if that's what happened,
I apologize.
I am sorry... If they did that to him
and he had to stand...
"Just stand there, Nathan!
Hold still while I smoke, Nathan!"
"Please, I want to dance my native dances."
"Shut up, Nathan!"
It's not that. It's not that.
Did any of you guys buy
a "Rolling Stone"... Collector's item probably...
"Rolling Stone" of that Boston bomber kid?
When you read their names for the first time,
those two guys, were you like me?
Were you like, "My God.
Dinosaurs did this to us?"
"Really?"
"Dokasaurus Triceratops
"and his brother, Pterodactyl Triceratops,
"came to this nation from millions of years ago...
"that's what you're telling me...
"and somehow made bombs.
I don't know. I've seen it all now."
They caught those guys pretty fast...
The Boston Marathon bombers.
But I was very impatient.
I was like, "How come I don't know right now
who did this?"
Because they didn't leave a note.
What's so hard about just leaving a note
after you murder a bunch of people?
Can you just leave a little "This is why this happens,"
so I don't have to sit there wondering what everybody's...
Right? Is that hard?
Even a dick like Bin Laden
would drop you a mixtape twice a year
and let you know.
You get a Christmas card from your family.
You get a Bin Laden tape.
"What's up with you guys?"
"I'm gonna kill all of you,
"so keep an eye out for that.
"It's me.
When it happens, this guy did it."
Little bit of courtesy
not to much to ask for.
I don't know... Why do terrorists...
I don't understand why, like, Al-Qaeda or any...
Why do they even plot against us anymore?
Like, why do they bother?
Just, like, leave us with our gun collection, man.
Like, we got this.
They don't have to... you know?
Don't you think, when a terrible shooting happens,
like, every other week, how it happens...
Do you ever think about how that hurts Al-Qaeda,
like, how that hurts them inside?
To just... They had one hit in 2001
and nothing that good ever again.
They can't even keep up
with, like, American Asperger kids
in senseless murdering.
Isn't that... that's got to hurt you a little bit.
Trying to make plans,
and you're like, "All right, we're gonna go
"to a movie theater and shoot everyone
"in that theater.
They... They did that already?"
"What movie was it?
"The new 'Batman'?
"Like, they were coming out of the movie,
"and then the guy...
"they didn't even get to see the movie?
"By Allah, that's cold.
"You don't even let a guy...
"he stood in line all night.
"You're not gonna just let him see if Bane's cool or not?
"I don't even know what to do, man.
"I'm gonna just go back to working at my dad's Wendy's
or something and... My dad's airport Burger King."
I guess what I'm trying to say is,
how many more white people have to die
before we get serious about gun control?
No, how many is enough precious white people?
- Damn! It's... it's enough!
- I mean, call me old-fashioned.
Hey.
Call me old-fashioned,
but when I was coming up
and something happened to white people,
we did something about it.
We didn't argue.
Joke's a 50/50, but I do it every time.
But I love guns. I'm not gonna lie.
I do love guns, because I wasn't allowed
to play with toy guns when I was a kid.
My mom took, like... 'cause she...
A lot of people think like this.
If you play with guns, violent video games and...
You're gonna be violent.
The stupidest... you're...
If you think that, in this room, you're a moron.
You really are stupid.
There's... No one has ever shot anyone
because they were having a great time
doing something they loved.
That has never happened once in human history.
That's never happened.
You don't attack and kill people because of fun reasons.
You do it because of not fun reasons,
like you got fired or broken up with, right?
Or, like, One Direction doesn't write you back,
let's say,
and you were with them from the start.
From the start, you were with them,
and they don't say nothing?
They give you a form letter?
Someone's getting shot for that.
Not fun reasons, right?
So my mom gave me... She took all the guns...
She took all the guns off of my "Star Wars" men
and then just gave me the men.
Here's some men to play with.
Those are action figures!
That's the action: the gun.
That's the action part of...
Now it's a doll.
Now I have dolls.
Thanks for the dolls.
"Hey, Darth Vader, I don't have a weapon.
Let's just make out 'cause Kurt's mom's a dick."
we can't be violent.
Remember how Luke had a sword...
His lightsaber came out of his arm?
On the... and she just took the lightsaber out,
and there's just... Now he's got a flashlight.
That's... now he's got a little...
And gently...
And I went to Alaska, which...
I don't know if you ever been there,
but if you ever get the chance to go to Alaska,
go to Hawaii instead of Alaska.
I would say don't bother with Alaska.
It's not... there's no reason to be there.
It's... I don't know.
People think it's God's country or something
'cause there's mountains.
I don't understand how people think,
but it's more like a letter from God
that he doesn't give a fuck about you.
Those mountains kill you; all that stuff kills you.
And then you meet the people,
and it's like a letter from God that abortion is fine.
"Hey, take a mulligan. It's no big loss."
No, it's... a guy asked...
I was in a suburban area,
and a dude asked me to bum a needle.
Like a cigarette.
He asked me for a needle like...
I've lived in every borough of New York.
That's never happened to me.
A passerby... "Do you have a spare needle?"
It's... Yeah.
And it was, like,
an eight-to-one male-to-female ratio
where I was.
Eight-to-one.
And that one ain't good.
You don't want that one.
But, very confident.
Very confident fat chick with a sled dog name,
I must say.
Really, Blue? You're too good for me?
All right.
Wait, wait.
I'm not anti fat chick,
and I hope that does not...
I'm not coming across that way,
because I'm pro fat chick, okay?
My numbers are pretty clear that I'm pro fat chick.
If you go to the record books, I'm pretty cool.
But don't act like you're too good for me now,
fatso, 'cause it's Alaska.
That's really... price gouging me like I'm in...
Coming at me like an airport Whopper, basically?
Like an $11 airport Whopper.
I know how much a Whopper is supposed to be.
It ain't a steak 'cause I'm at the airport.
Yeah. This is how...
I know it sounds mean to you,
but you don't understand what they're like.
Like, some guy went on before me.
I was doing a show, and the first guy made a joke
that you would let Brad Pitt harass you at work
because he's hot,
and a 300-pound waitress next to me
yells at the top of her lungs,
"If Brad Pitt touched my ass, I'd call the police."
Like she was angry at just the thought of that, of...
Really? That makes you that mad?
If Brad Pitt, like, right now,
came down from heaven
to this frozen shithole that you live in
and actually touched
the beanbag chair you call an ass
with his beautiful, golden hands,
with his beautiful little kabbalah strings hand...
You would call a cop?
You wouldn't call all the papers in Alaska
to announce the greatest moment of any Alaskan's life?
That's what you're telling me?
'Cause I wouldn't call the cops on Brad Pitt.
If Brad Pitt grabbed my ass,
that'd be the most interesting thing about me,
basically.
I mean, most of this show
would have been about that experience.
The whole beginning...
He could be real mean about it.
Just hook his hand up and really, like...
"What are you gonna do about it, Kurt?
"I'm grabbing your ass like a fat waitress.
What do you think of that?"
"Nothing, sir. Thank you very much.
Thank you for your work in the Sudan and this."
'Cause I was raised right.
By the way, here's a fun fact about Alaska
that I bet you didn't know.
They just made it illegal
to have sex with animals there in 2011.
Yeah, finally got that on the books...
The "don't have sex with animals" law.
Because it was becoming a problem.
And if you see the women they have there,
I got to believe a lot of these guys
are making an honest mistake,
because it gets very dark.
By the way, I apologize for all these jokes.
Did I apologize enough?
I live here, so it makes you kind of...
Kind of messes your head up a little bit
to live here for long enough, you know?
It makes you crazy.
It's a rough place, New York.
Even if it's not like how it used to be,
it's still intense.
Guys, it's just so much money to live here,
to be, like, so...
Like, this close to everyone all the time.
You're just jammed up with everybody.
And, you know, I don't know if you're all...
If you're not from here,
like, sometimes you wake up
and there'll just be, like, a black dick
just mushed right in your face.
Like, first... Like, nine times out of ten,
that's how you wake up.
Yeah. Can't believe it.
You just wake up, and you're like, "My God.
"This is $2,600 a month to have this guy's
giant dick in my eyelids when I wake up."
I'm exaggerating that a little bit, but, I mean...
You have to ask for that.
That's not just gonna come...
That's not coming with your apartment.
For $2,600, you think
you're getting dick in your face?
No. That's $3,000 easy, now.
Extra special features like that...
I had a friend in Tampa
complain to me that he couldn't pay his rent...
In Tampa, Florida.
You can't make your rent in Tampa, Florida?
You can't come up with some possum soup
and gator teeth?
One time a month, you can't go in
your swamp of a yard
and pay your shirtless landlord?
And... wow.
But it's rough, and then the kids here...
You know, you ever see... Meet kids
that grew up in New York, in Manhattan itself?
They're, like... they're creepy.
It's... kind of like how mature they are.
Like, they got over a coke problem
in the sixth grade
and, like, all that "Gossip Girl" thing.
You know, like, they've just done it all.
They're like these weird old vampire children.
Intimidate you,
yet they can't drive or swim.
Yeah.
I don't blame 'em, growing up here.
I only lived here ten years,
and here's something I saw...
This is one of the worst things I ever saw here.
I'm coming out of the subway on 80th Street...
80th Street and Broadway, okay?
The 1 train.
And I'm... I'm coming out,
and there's a homeless guy
flat on his back with, like, just his head
kind of propped up on the wall,
like, the most homeless you could be, dude.
I mean, really.
Like, "I'm so homeless, dude."
Like, it was so...
You know, there's levels.
There's levels of it. There's levels.
There's a bunch... You know, there's guys out here
that are running around, holding open the door...
There's go-getter homeless, right,
and then there's this guy.
There's, like, a guy with a sign
who's just a white kid with dreadlocks, right?
"I'm not coming to you."
Level two.
And then this poor bastard's just like,
"I'm not even moving.
"Just my head will be up and nothing...
I'm not moving any other part of my body."
And you get numb to it.
You really get numb to it.
You get numb to homelessness and glue traps for mice...
Those two things... here, I find.
Glue trap... that's the most horrific trap.
A mouse will pull their face off on that.
It's the most vicious...
I mean, I remember leaving one out.
I lived at this place
in the Village that had mice, okay?
And I left one out, and then I'd put them in a bag
and take it downstairs and stomp on it,
'cause you have to.
I'm not gonna leave him to pull his own face off.
So I got to do the right thing
and stomp this thing, right?
I was sh... I was on my couch...
I'm like... Dude, I was traumatized.
Living creature that...
So guess what.
Six traps in, I don't give a fuck, bro.
I'm like... I'm leaving 'em out.
Just die slowly, mouse. I don't give...
Tell everyone.
Tell all the mice what happened to you.
I'm, like, apoc...
I'm like Colonel Kurtz now.
"Apocalypse Now" of mice right now.
I made a friend of horror.
And you got to do that with the homeless too.
But...
Not put them in glue traps.
That's... wow. Let me back up.
Make...
Please, do not put the homeless in glue traps.
But you get numb to it.
But this really got to me, seeing this guy like this,
because there were two lines of people
coming in and out of the subway,
and they, like, didn't even see him.
Like, they just didn't even notice the guy.
This guy, like...
I mean, it was striking how fucked up he was,
and you don't even look at him?
That's not right.
That's, like... That's a human being, right?
So I'm like, "You know what?
"When I walk by that guy,
I am gonna make eye contact with him."
"Yeah, I'm not gonna give him any money or nothing,
but I'm gonna make meaningful eye contact."
'Cause that is probably valuable to him,
a guy on the floor of some stairs,
if I come over and... ""
I see that you're homeless.
Take that with you.
"I'm a beautiful man."
So I'm getting close to do my good deed,
and then when I got close,
I saw his pants were down,
which I didn't notice from a distance.
When I was judging the other people,
I didn't see that his pants were all the way down.
And his arm was... His arm was going pretty hard.
Yeah. That thing was going.
And... but now it's too late.
I'm here for some eye contact.
"Hey!
"Look who's here for some eye contact.
This guy!"
What?
I almost trip... yeah.
So I just... like a horror movie,
I followed his arm, like...
Yeah. And do you know what I saw?
Well, there's no good way to say it.
He had his hand up his own asshole.
That's what I saw.
Yeah, that's the surprise twist of the story,
was that he was fisting his own asshole.
Yeah.
Yeah, you heard what I said.
You thought I was gonna say he was jerking off.
Is that what you thought?
Country mouse, no.
No, no.
My...
You're a sweet kid.
Aren't you nice?
No, this is New York City.
They fist themselves here.
They fist their own asses here.
Just tearing into it like it's a croissant.
My goodness, sir.
Yeah, not even sexual, by the way.
It was frantic.
Like, let's say you couldn't find your keys
in your asshole.
How you would...
"Do I not have my keys?"
Yeah, going to town.
And then... Right then, we made eye contact,
meaningful eye contact.
Like...
Who looked away first?
He did. That's who.
He did.
You don't back out of that and show weakness.
Also, you get in fights with people here
that you don't expect.
Like, it's not like fights where you just like...
You know, I think I'm gonna fight some guy my size.
You get in fights with just random people of all...
Old ladies.
You know, like, you fight with,
like, a weird variety of people,
a lot of times about cabs.
I get in a lot of cab fights.
'Cause there's just not enough cabs here.
I don't know what's going on,
but I can't... sometimes... This is no lie.
Using all of my whiteness, I cannot...
Just stand at the corner.
They just drive by me with,
like, whiter people than me?
I don't know what's happening.
There's gingers and albinos laughing at me.
Calling me mean words.
So I got in a fight with this lady for a cab,
and so I called her, like...
Well, have you ever seen...
Did you ever see the movie "Precious"?
Have you guys seen "Precious"?
Black people, have you seen, not "Precious"...
Have you seen "Precious"?
- Yeah. - Okay.
Have you seen... But this is more...
This is a more important question.
Have you seen "The Human Centipede,"
which is like our "Precious"?
That's, like, our very...
Movie for white people to watch.
It's, like, the same kind of...
Like, it's like people trapped in a bad situation.
They don't know how to eat right.
You know?
Don't have a good diet,
so it's like, it doesn't end up good for them.
But here's my problem with "Precious."
That's not a true story.
That's made up. Do you know that?
That's not a real girl.
They made her up.
Why are you making up this girl
and doing these things to her?
What... like, who's getting helped by that,
from "Precious"?
'Cause I'll tell you who's not getting helped.
Girls that look like Precious,
their lives are destroyed right now.
Their lives were ruined by that movie,
'cause I got news for you...
You piss me off and look like Precious,
I'ma call you Precious.
Like, you don't even have to look like her that much.
So I called this lady White Precious,
and she looked very surprised, like...
She thought she couldn't get called Precious
'cause she was white.
Bam! White Precious!
That's how clever I am.
Quick on my feet.
'Cause we were fighting over a cab, you know?
And I was just running late.
I was an hour late for something.
I couldn't find any cabs,
and I finally see one cab coming.
And there's White Precious getting my cab.
But I didn't call her White Precious for that.
I went up to her, and I go, "Excuse me, miss.
"Do you think we could share this cab?
"Like, I'm really desperate, and I'm late,
"and I'll pay you for your ride, wherever you got to go.
I just got to get to where I'm going."
And then this is her exact reaction.
"My God, get the fuck away from me!
Help! Help me! Help me! Somebody help me!"
I'm doing exactly what she did.
Like, if you were being sexually assaulted
in broad daylight how you should yell,
'cause I asked to share a cab.
And I didn't call her White Precious for that, okay?
The first thing I did
was check to see if my dick was out
just to be... just to be extra...
Like, before we start yelling "White Precious" at people,
maybe your penis is on the outside
of your pants, and that's why you can't...
You know?
If everybody's yelling and there's no cabs for you.
"Miss, please, I'm desperate.
"Can you...
"I'll pay any amount of money that you want
if you would just let me cram in there."
Yeah. So it was in my pants.
I go, "Shut up, White Precious!
"Nobody's coming at you in a sexual way.
What am I, your dad?"
That is a direct...
I'm telling you a real quote from me.
Yeah, I said that, and then... and she goes,
"If you don't stop harassing me,
I'ma call the police."
I go, "Call a cop right now.
"I want to see a cop's face when you tell him
"that I attempted to scale and rape you.
"I want him to write that on...
"I want him to take out a pad
"and have to write that with a straight face,
"that, in broad daylight,
"I thought I'd throw it all away
"and tackle a dump truck and lift up its flannel shirt
"to find a fuckin' opening.
"Call a cop. I'll wait.
"I'll wait. Call a cop.
Go ahead, call a cop."
Yeah.
I take it too far sometimes.
Way overboard with that.
And then she did call the cops,
and it got kind of real
because I don't know if you ever heard yourself
getting described to the police
by someone who's calling the police,
but it's very upsetting...
Like, you know, how you stick out.
Like, "He has very strange eyebrows and nostrils.
"I don't know if he's Turkish or something.
I don't know what the hell"...
And then she goes, "He has a blue gym bag."
And when she said "blue gym bag,"
I was like, "Shit,"
because I had just bought,
like, all my weed for the month
that, like, I had in this bag.
That's why I was late,
'cause I was buying a month's supply of weed.
By the way, don't buy a month's supply of weed.
You're not gonna make it last a month, idiot.
So one second, I'm real cocky.
I'm like, "Yeah, fatso, I'd like to see...
God, weed!"
And I had to run... And I had to run in...
I ran into traffic and hid at CVS
for 20 minutes while the cops came.
So the moral of the story is,
you don't have to be nice to people,
but just don't carry illegal shit on you
while you're doing it.
That's all my time, guys. Thank you so much.
Thank you very much for coming to my show.
I appreciate it.
Thanks.